Sunday, February 14, 2010


So I ordered some newborn size covers and some snappis. The diapers are working out a lot better. We still have leaks into the covers. I suppose that's normal, but we aren't having leaks outside the covers.

He's still being fussy and he's shifted his schedule. He now sleeps about 3 or 4 hours and then is up 3 or 4 hours. I'm having a hard time adjusting.

He eats longer now, but sometimes I feel like I'm feeding him every 30 minutes. I've just decided to sit and watch tv to keep myself distracted, but at night I'm so tired that I'm literally falling asleep while feeding him. Sucks.

And then Friday we took him to the pediatrician. They had called Thursday to warn us about him being a carrier for cystic fibrosis. You know the disease that causes your body to not be able to handle dispelling mucus build up in your gut and lungs. That disease that shortens your life expectancy. Yeah, that one. I cried the entire day of Thursday. Then Friday the pediatrician said that his initial genetic test only shows that he has one mutation for cystic fibrosis. So he is a carrier but that doesn't mean he has the disease. We have to schedule him for a sweat test to determine if he has more than one mutation. Apparently having at least one mutation for cf is common, but actually having the disease isn't. They still want to test him to catch it early before he shows symptoms. This is the second time genetics has freaked me out. The quad test I took while pregnant showed that he had a chance for having downs. Does he have downs? No. But they keep throwing more genetics tests at us that cause me to feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.

All of this going on is making my head spin and I feel so out of control about everything. I think I need to go on happy pills. I hate to admit that to myself, but I know that going to therapy and getting on drugs will help me feel less like I'm climbing mountains. I don't want to feel like my son's babysitter. I want to feel like his mother who can make decisions and function without crying over things like diapers leaking. People say that post partum depression is normal, but if you don't get help it's crippling. You have a hard time feeling happy about spending time with your baby when you should be enjoying it more. And I'm terrified. I can't control his genes. I can't seem to calm him down. I feel rather helpless. I wake up constantly and have to make sure he's breathing. SIDS freaks me out. I know that it's not realistic of me, but I'm still scared. And I can't stand to leave the room when he's crying. I can't even sleep in a different room than he is in. It's stupid and insane, but I feel nutty if I can't be around him constantly. And if he's crying I cry too. They took blood at the pediatricians and I nearly flipped out that my poor hubby had to console me. After it was done, the baby was fine; I was not. I want to feel like myself and that life isn't spiraling out of control. I hope that nobody else feels this way, but I know that I'm not alone. There are support groups and everyone makes you fill out a questionaire about how your feeling. The hospital, the ob, the pediatrician. Yeah, everyone is extremely concerned because it's so common.

My hope is that someone reads my blog who is in the same state I am in realizes that they're not alone. Don't do something stupid. Tell someone about it. Hell, tell me. I could use someone who has an empathetic ear. Hubby has a hard time understanding even though he's doing his best. He's not going through it and that makes a difference. We're not alone. It takes a village to raise a baby and a few good people to be there for mommy too.


  1. *hugs8

    I had a whole reply typed earlier and lost it lol. Long story short though...

    I'm sorry you're going through all that. It is very normal and you're definately not alone. I had ppd w/ Kalila too... we got just to the point where we were gonna see about meds when it let up. very glad it did and hoping it doesn't happen this time. Is something that scares me. Thankfully Jas and i have talked a lot about it and he's gonna be watching to make sure.

    Diapers - glad that worked! As nice as it is when poo gets to the point that it stays off of covers, I'm not dreading them getting it either because its so much better than getting all over clothes or us lol.

    Nursing - Hate to tell ya but that will go on for awhile. It does get easier though... and don't worry too much about falling asleep. just make sure you have a safe place to do so and its perfectly normal and ok. is an advantage of BFing lol.

    Sleep - Another fun one.. just when you get used to a schedule they change it on you. But it does even out eventually... Hang in there

    Tests - I am so sorry... The closest we have come to anything like that was a lead test. I remember bawling over it too. You've still got hormones going for one... and its your baby. You're gonna worry, you're gonna be upset. But.. remember everything will be ok. I'll be praying his tests turn out ok and he really is just a carrier.

  2. We've all been there, Laura. You are at least thinking right with the fact that you may need professional help. That's the thing with babies.... the first 3 months are so rough. At least they were for me. Especially with my second one. I could sit here all night and give you oodles of advice, but every mom is different and every child is different. "This too shall pass"... remember that. The first few months of having a baby is tough. VERY tough. Especially when you are new to everything. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I PROMISE!!!!!!!

  3. I did not give birth to my baby, but the whole newborn thing was tough! My baby slept for about 30 minutes every 2 hours all day and all night. In between was feeding and changing diapers. There was very little else I could do in that time. She would not let me put her down. She could literally cry for hours. So I kept her close to me almost all the time. Then magically when she was three months old, my husband set her down in her bassinette (which was rarely used)and she slept for several hours. That night we moved her out to her own room and she slept for 12 hours straight. She took hour long naps and slept through the night until she reached about the age of one. Now her naps are much shorter, but she still sleeps through the night. It is funny, because I asked all these other mothers if their babies slept so little at night, and they all said that their babies slept through the night. Perhaps it was just collective amnesia... :)

    Try to sleep when your babies sleep and give up on just about anything else. This is the time to nest and nurture.


I love to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing!