So I ordered some newborn size covers and some snappis. The diapers are working out a lot better. We still have leaks into the covers. I suppose that's normal, but we aren't having leaks outside the covers.
He's still being fussy and he's shifted his schedule. He now sleeps about 3 or 4 hours and then is up 3 or 4 hours. I'm having a hard time adjusting.
He eats longer now, but sometimes I feel like I'm feeding him every 30 minutes. I've just decided to sit and watch tv to keep myself distracted, but at night I'm so tired that I'm literally falling asleep while feeding him. Sucks.
And then Friday we took him to the pediatrician. They had called Thursday to warn us about him being a carrier for cystic fibrosis. You know the disease that causes your body to not be able to handle dispelling mucus build up in your gut and lungs. That disease that shortens your life expectancy. Yeah, that one. I cried the entire day of Thursday. Then Friday the pediatrician said that his initial genetic test only shows that he has one mutation for cystic fibrosis. So he is a carrier but that doesn't mean he has the disease. We have to schedule him for a sweat test to determine if he has more than one mutation. Apparently having at least one mutation for cf is common, but actually having the disease isn't. They still want to test him to catch it early before he shows symptoms. This is the second time genetics has freaked me out. The quad test I took while pregnant showed that he had a chance for having downs. Does he have downs? No. But they keep throwing more genetics tests at us that cause me to feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.
All of this going on is making my head spin and I feel so out of control about everything. I think I need to go on happy pills. I hate to admit that to myself, but I know that going to therapy and getting on drugs will help me feel less like I'm climbing mountains. I don't want to feel like my son's babysitter. I want to feel like his mother who can make decisions and function without crying over things like diapers leaking. People say that post partum depression is normal, but if you don't get help it's crippling. You have a hard time feeling happy about spending time with your baby when you should be enjoying it more. And I'm terrified. I can't control his genes. I can't seem to calm him down. I feel rather helpless. I wake up constantly and have to make sure he's breathing. SIDS freaks me out. I know that it's not realistic of me, but I'm still scared. And I can't stand to leave the room when he's crying. I can't even sleep in a different room than he is in. It's stupid and insane, but I feel nutty if I can't be around him constantly. And if he's crying I cry too. They took blood at the pediatricians and I nearly flipped out that my poor hubby had to console me. After it was done, the baby was fine; I was not. I want to feel like myself and that life isn't spiraling out of control. I hope that nobody else feels this way, but I know that I'm not alone. There are support groups and everyone makes you fill out a questionaire about how your feeling. The hospital, the ob, the pediatrician. Yeah, everyone is extremely concerned because it's so common.
My hope is that someone reads my blog who is in the same state I am in realizes that they're not alone. Don't do something stupid. Tell someone about it. Hell, tell me. I could use someone who has an empathetic ear. Hubby has a hard time understanding even though he's doing his best. He's not going through it and that makes a difference. We're not alone. It takes a village to raise a baby and a few good people to be there for mommy too.