Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Miffed at God

I'm a little miffed at God. Let me explain for years, yes, years I would talk to God. God would not really speak to me. At least in the ways I figured God was going to answer my questions. I had finished college and done all the "normal" things people do. So I would ask God, "Should I go to grad school?" No response. "Where should I go to grad school?" Again not exactly a response I just ended up with one that actually accepted me (I'm not stupid I just switched majors a little). "What am I doing in grad school?" A man driving me to the airport simply said that usually we're where we are for simple things sometimes that we just don't get. Okay God. Simple things. "What is the grand scheme of things?" No response. "Should I be dating this person?" Apparently not because they ended up dumping me. "Am I ever going to be a married person or should I remain single and serving?" Not really a response on that one either. "Should I marry Hubby?" No response. You get the general point.

Most of my answers were quite gentle ones that you could chalk up to "that's life" or no response at all. Until lately, where God has this huge booming voice. And he leaves me feeling like the younger sister with a taunting older brother that doesn't get the brother's joke. As Bill Cosby put it, "God being a generous God also has a sense of humor."

Lately, God has spoke volumes. Well not really but it's definitely more than just through others. We're actually talking to each other; imagine that. And he has said to have a baby and to cover my head. Although he was not specific about how much to cover my head. But let's continue.

So here was my morning. Hubby walks in with the flippant comment of "oh a witch let's kill her." He's referring to this thing on my head. I'm wearing a black bandanna because in the middle of the night someone (God) decided to leave me hanging. Then he asks me why it's on my head. And I say because God was not very clear with me last night so now I've had to go to the extreme of things to follow his will. So what did God say? Pray more. That's it; two words. Pray more.

Here's what went down last night at about 12:30 midnight: I'm in bed having just fed the baby. Can't sleep so I start my meditation. I'm in the room with white walls and bare concrete floors. There are two chairs, cane chairs. There's a door with light seeping through the frame. I go and open the door and light floods in. So I step back towards my chair, the furthest from the room. And in walks hippy Jesus. In my head, the version of Jesus is him in a white robe, with sandals, pasty white man, and long hair. Jesus was a Jew. It's very unlikely that he looked anything like this, but this is my meditation. He sits in the chair closest to the door and we're facing each other. And here's our conversation.

Me: Okay Jesus so you've tugged at my heart recently about a Day of Rest or Sabbath. I was wondering what you mean by that?

Jesus: no response

Me: So should I have a day of rest on the Jewish Sabbath or the Catholic Sunday?

Jesus: no response

Me: And what exactly should I not be doing? It isn't like I can stop feeding the baby or not drive a car to go to Mass. I mean you healed people and whatnot so I know you believe in the spirit of Sabbath. And man I could use a break.

Jesus: smiles

Me: Okay. Not answering. Well I was hoping to post something about the subject on my blog. But since you don't want to answer these questions, maybe you can enlighten me about the whole head covering thing. You told me to cover my head. I had read the passage in 1 Cor 11. But now I get it. I need to cover my head. Okay so I've been covering my head at Mass. Is this sufficient? Do you approve?

Jesus: still smiling and very long pause says "Pray more." In his very quiet voice (but louder than anything I've ever heard)

Me: What?! Do you mean that I'm not covering my head enough to pray. Because that's like 1 Thessalonians 5:17 Pray without ceasing. So should I pray constantly?

Jesus: still smiling says nothing

Me: *starting to feel a temper tantrum coming on* Okay so pray more. You mean like start praying over the baby. Remembering to pray at meals. Pray more at night. Or do you just me that I need to pray some more to get a response about the head covering thing?

Jesus: no response

Me: *starting to panic and get upset* Okay. Please don't say that I've got to start covering my head constantly from now on. I mean surely I can wash my hair. And Hubby's not going to like this. He already thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't like me covering for Mass. He calls me his Mennonite wife.

Jesus: no response

Me: *the strain in my voice is unbearable* Seriously. Can I at least get what you mean? What does "pray more" mean? Is this some kind of joke? Are you trying to make me over think this one? Seriously. I will have a nervous break down if you put me through this again. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to love God not the world. But it's hard enough being the odd ball. I don't want to go out in public with head coverings.

Jesus: no response

Me: *temper tantrum breaks free and I sobb* I don't want to! I don't want to! It's not fair! What does pray more mean?!

At this point, the conversation is getting no where. I simply break the meditation not even being curtious enough to allow Jesus to exit. And here I'm left staring at the ceiling very upset with God. So I crawl out of bed even though I'm roasting in it with just a sheet, my t-shirt, and my undies. I go and find my bandanna. And in disgust go and sleep in it.

Hubby's response: are you sure it was God and not you? How do you know God wants this? I mean a guy said God told him to kill John Lennon. What would you do if God told you that?

"First of all," I explain. "God didn't say anything like that. And he wouldn't. That's not God. Pray more, is harmless. That's what God wants from everyone anyway. He wants a relationship."

"It could still be you. It could be your subconscious." He says.

I just give him a look. There's no point. He doesn't believe that God talks to people. So I just end the argument.

I don't understand it: Pray more. And all day it has taken me to calm down. I'm so frustrated I don't want to pray today. So what exactly does "pray more" mean? Before I get worked up again, I'm going to bed. Yes, I'll wear something on my head to remind me to "pray more." But I'm still mad at God. And in my child-like faith (which is more like a child-like temper tantrum), I'm going to "pray more" and wait for an answer. But I'll be mad when I talk to God. And at least I'll be talking. Even if he refuses to explain himself. Geez. Why can't I have a loving and open relationship with God? I'm either mad or upset or confused or or something else with him. I'm frustrated and miffed with God.

1 comment:

I love to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing!