It's late. I haven't even started my readings for the day yet. I've gotten a bit behind. 1st there was Valentine's Day and then yesterday, Jesus decided to come around for an unannounced visit. And I really do mean that. I never believed in having a religious experience. I've always thought that meant 1) you saw the Virgin Mary in a grotto or on a piece of toast 2) you were at a charismatic worship thingy and started speaking in tongues. Either way, you had to have been "special" or a bit "touched" in the head. I don't consider myself to be special or chosen for any other purpose other than to make babies, feed them, clothe them, and raise them up. As for the touched in the head, after the whole thing I seriously contemplated calling my doctor and getting a ct scan of my brain.
So you're probably wondering at this point what exactly happened. I honestly don't know myself. One minute I was sitting on the couch like I do every evening with my Bible open. I was reading about sacrifices and atonements and my mind was wondering so I started thinking about the blog. I was thinking that judging from the polls my next piece would be about memorized prayer and how ironic that is that I'm going to be writing a piece about memorized prayer. Ironic because I know very few prayers by heart and most of them I've learned in the last few years and also because it's not my preferred method of prayer. I prefer contemplative prayer. I'm more comfortable saying nothing at all. But I'll explain all this tomorrow.
And then all of the sudden, I don't know, it felt like Jesus spun me around or shook me or something...I can't even describe it. I suppose it's like when I meditate I'm in a room and there are doors. I just came through one and Jesus comes through one on the opposite side and we sit in chairs across from one another in the room. But instead of me entering the room and inviting Jesus to sit for a while, Jesus just flung open the door, twisted me around, and looked me in the face.
Let me tell you it was so shocking. I must have been tired or something because that never has happened before. I've been known to daydream, but usually when meditating I really have to focus not to feel so far away from God. It's difficult. This time I wasn't even trying. I wasn't focusing on the room or the chair or anything. I was sitting on the couch mentally outline the blog post. And Jesus just showed up for lack of a better description. And there I was in the room.
So what does one do when they didn't go seek the Lord yet the Lord seeks them. I cried. Blubbered really. I didn't know what to say or do or anything. So like a child who suddenly finds herself in front of their Dad without warning, I cried. I didn't feel scared though. I actually felt really...I guess...joyous. Crying and joyous. Does that make any sense whatsoever.
And then as quickly as he shook me, he left. And I found myself on the couch wiping tears on my t-shirt and totally stunned by this religious experience. I suppose it was a gift of sorts. I've spent years actively seeking out God. Crying to him, begging, pleading. And I've felt immense dryness and utter silence. And I've learned that that would be my relationship with God. I would seek him and ache to hear his voice, but I decided that maybe this was how it was going to be.
Imagine to my surprise that now he speaks to me and tells me to "pray more." And now this. He sought out my attention even though I wasn't trying to get his.
I've been trying to rationalize the whole thing. Why? Do I have a brain tumor? What's God trying to tell me? But I think my tiny human brain will never understand God fully. So I'm forcing myself to learn a new lesson: stop asking so many stupid questions and just enjoy the fact that God cares enough about a small, insignificant woman to give her a good shake and stop by for a visit. I've had friends tell me they've had religious experiences. Even Hubby has said he's heard God speak to him. But most of these people were young, teenagers. I'm an old housewife. Oh, there I go again trying to be rational. I need to let it go and start my readings again.
I will say this much. For a while after that, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I've graduated and gotten married and had a baby which were all joyous occasions, but they all paled in comparison to the feeling I got after Jesus left. I suppose if I had ever done a drug it would feel like I was high except without the nasty repercussions. I wonder if that's a small bit of what it's like to be in heaven. Because if heaven feels anything like that feeling, well, let's just say I would move many a mountain to get there.
Which is why today, I spent much of thinking I had gone round the bend or something. Because it seemed so unreal and so much like I dreamed it, but it was real. I was awake. I didn't fall asleep on the couch. I don't know. I need to stop questioning it and learn this new type of relationship with God. I guess you could say the dry spell is over and the forecast for the next while will be rain.