Tuesday, September 13, 2011

In Defense of Hubby

I figure I should clarify a few things about my husband, what he is and what he's not.  He is after all dealing with the pressures of a new job, his crazy pregnant wife, and trying to figure out where things are in our house.

He's not a terrible person.  Certainly not.  If anyone is judgmental, that hat goes directly on my head.  I am not the same person that I was when we were dating nor am I the same person I was when we were first married.  Everyone has issues and I come with a plethora of them.  I'm also evolving, if you will, in my relationship with God.  Most people are and usually it's more internal.  For me it's a combination of the internal and the external.  I've dated a lot of people and I know that most of them would have dropped me like a hot potato (which they did) once I started making changes to myself.  Hubby and I have talked about this many times and he's basically looked at all the major changes and weighed them.  He could leave me, but he's chosen not to and instead deals with all the stuff.  The changes are mostly for the good.  I'm not trying to achieve perfection, just simply trying earnestly to be a better person.  He's not against the changes, but it's hard.  You dated/married one person and than wake up to find out their not exactly who you thought they were, and that's tough.

Marriages are meant to make you a better person, to lift you up, to make you examine who you are.  There is nothing in the world that keeps a person more grounded than to have their husband reprimand them for their poor behavior.  My husband could berate me, yell at me, and things of that nature, but he doesn't.  He questions my judgment (sometimes to a very irritating degree), but he's helping me.  He's not trying to make me a worse person.  He's trying to help me be a better person.

We're not perfect.  And my husband clearly is not.  I painted a pretty dismal picture of things, but they aren't that bad.  Everyone has moments, myself included.  Call them adult hissy fits.  God calls us in one direction and we stubbornly refuse to do that.  We become selfish as we are inherently selfish.  Some people are unable to recognize this flaw.  Some refuse to change.  But Hubby and many others change grudgingly knowing that it's the right thing to do.

It's easier for me to go against my selfish nature because I wasn't an only child who pretty much did whatever they wanted to.  I had to follow my brother to team practices and games.  I had to help him and I also was his babysitter of sorts.  The seed for selfishness didn't root so heavily with me.  And women, in general, have a maternal instinct and bond with their children altogether different than their husbands.  It's just easier.  I have moments too, but they are fewer and I get over them quickly.  If Hubby had a blog, he could tell you that I tend to blame him for things that aren't really his fault.  And I also tend to have nervous breakdowns over misplacing things like last Sunday when we tore apart the house looking for my wallet which was stuck in a couch cushion.  I would say that pregnancy exacerbates the problem, but would be a bit of a lie.  I had a friend who counted stairs as she walked up them.  If she lost count, she had to go back down and start over again.  She knew how many stairs there were, but she couldn't help it.  I fall apart over ridiculous things especially misplacing things.  I'm a slob, but I know exactly where stuff is in the house and if I don't, it gnaws at me.  Don't ask me why.  It's not like I hold a high value of stuff or hoard.  I don't have that much stuff and I tend to donate stuff too.  I'm just a little OCD about knowing where it is.

Hubby has a hard time letting go of the ideal for reality when it comes to children.  He's not the only one.  Many people write blog posts and magazine articles detailing how hard it was for them to come to realize that their child is not the person they pictured.  There's nothing wrong with HB.  He's a normal healthy kid doing normal healthy things.  He's a bit clingy, but not unusually so.  (Hubby made the remark that HB really needs a brother.  And yes, I totally agree with that.)  He's into computers and video games, not unlike his dad.  But he's also into dancing like his mom.  And not unlike his dad or his age group, he stubbornly wants to do things for himself.  I think it finally dawned on Hubby when we were discussing possible easy video games to teach HB that ultimately it's not about winning the game, it's about doing something he enjoys.  The hard part for Hubby, though, is that he thought that we would have a child who could "entertain himself" and instead we have a child whose a people person.  He craves companionship, which there's nothing wrong with that.  It's just who HB is.  Hubby is not nearly a people person and that's why there's a little clash.

Saturday, after I threw a fit and cried about Hubby's moment/fit, which as I said, is a totally normal reaction, Hubby and I looked around for things to do.  Still feeling upset and really now needing a Mommy break, Hubby took HB to a splash pad at one of the parks and had a ball.  So much so that he told me that I should go with them next time and that we should make it a weekend ritual.  And I want to point out that my husband is not big into swimming or water for that matter.  I'm the fish, you see.

So while my husband is not perfect, he's not a horrible, no good, husband.  He's human and behaving the way any normal parent does.  It's still frustrating, but it's not unbearable.  I guess since I've been around children all my life these things seem so ordinary that I don't understand why it's not for my husband.  So I suppose I too need to grow a little and learn some patience.  HB and his little brother have a good dad to look up to who cares about them.  Hubby is a very family oriented person, but it's just going to take him a while to realize that his kids are more awesome the way they are rather than what he wanted them to be.

My own father admitted to me that he initially wanted only daughters.  His reasoning was because he's an outdoor allergy sufferer and this causes asthma attacks.  He figured having daughters meant that it was more likely they would be involved in more indoor activities.  But then his world changed when my brother was born.  He played catch and those sorts of things with him and soon realized that even with the allergies it wasn't all that bad.  Now do my father and my brother have a terrible relationship scarred by the less than ideal?  No definitely not.  I would say they are fairly close.  My father got over it and says that he's thrilled that he had a daughter and a son.  He wouldn't change it.

And that's what I imagine will happen with Hubby.  HB is only 1.5 years old.  His personality will continue to change and grow.  Talk to him in a couple of years and I'm sure Hubby will say that he's happy HB is the type of kid he is.  And theoretically it will be easier for little brother if he has a completely different personality, but we'll see.

Oh and as for girls and more children.  Well, Hubby says if the situation was better, he would be more open to more children (that is if our finances are in better shape and he has a permenant job somewhere).  He also said that I was right.  You never know what you'll be like around another gender until you are.  I've never had a sister.  I can't say that I could relate to that much either, but you learn.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing!