Wednesday, March 14, 2012

How a SAHM gets to vote: Part Two

Ah...the after nap where all hell breaks loose.  Ordinarily my oldest sleeps for three hours.  Today after two he wakes up chatty and low and behold he's talking to the cat who decided to wake him up.  She is meowing to get out of the room.  I release my oldest from the confines of his bed, take the squalling infant to his bouncy seat with hanging toys, set up the Wii for a movie, and slink off to the couch for half an hour.

Mommy keeping children away from tv= fail on Mommy test

Fortunately, my eldest upon declaring that he wants milk only lately discovers the opened back of chips before deciding whether or not to dump it on the floor.  I immediately remove them and lay back down.  The timer I set goes off and I shut off the Wii to my eldest unhappiness.  I declare that today we are having popcorn.  Corn my eldest chirps in welcomed happiness.  I fix it using oil, kernels, a microwave safe bowl and lid (ask me how I did this later).  I nuke some butter and sprinkle on salt and hand a bowl of it to him.  Meanwhile the baby has now been moved to his highchair.  He hates this so I sit him in my lap.

Mommy fixes healthy snack= pass on Mommy test That's Mommy fail 1 and Mommy pass 1

My eldest declares he is done by climbing on the table and then in the high chair.  I decide I'm too fraking tired to care and as long as his brother isn't being sat on who cares.  It is also designed as a toddler booster seat.  I immediately go and place my appendage on the diaper changing table and change him.  He is happy.  This is about his fifth or sixth poo of the day.  I then steal an opportunity to go get a bra and a hair brush.  I also swipe on some deodorant because as usual I smell.

Mommy supervising children- fail.  That's Mommy fail 2 and Mommy pass 1.

I then creep back to the rocking chair and begin to fix my mess of hair.  My youngest coos.  My oldest from the high chair declares that he wants "down-a"  I tell him that since he can get up there he can get down himself.  Chalk it up to logical consequences.

Mommy invoking gentle disciple- pass.  That's Mommy fail 2 and Mommy pass 2.

Eventually my toddler figures out how to get down and enters his room.  By this time his brother has declared that his vantage point is no longer interesting and now wants to return to appendage status.  I figure I should brush my teeth so to ward off my eldest from wrestling away my toothbrush I give him his own and to brush his teeth with.

Mommy modeling good oral hygiene- pass.  Mommy supervising infant- fail.  That's Mommy fail 3 and Mommy pass 3.

Then I put on my bra and tell my oldest to go find his shoes.  I scoop up the baby and lay him next to me.  He get bright red and declares this is not good enough.  I try to get my toddler interested in putting on his own shoes, but I forget it.  Then I load up the diaper bags and go find my wallet er um id.

Mommy attempting to teach life skills- pass.  Mommy supervising children-pass.  That's Mommy fail 3 and Mommy pass 5.

After getting us all ready, I take my toddler out to the car first and leave my infant on the floor to cry out after me.  I do this for safety reasons.  I don't trust my toddler not to dash off in the parking lot at 5pm nor do I trust that he won't hurt his brother by headbutting, punching, slapping, or kicking him while I strap him into the car.  On the way out I grab toys and pray that they will pacify him enough to avoid the struggle.  I amuse myself with the thought that innocent unborn children who do no harm are killed legally every day yet my toddler who thinks he can beat me up can't be killed in retaliation without me ending up in jail.  Life is unfair.

Mommy securing toddler- pass.  Mommy again unsupervising infant-fail.  That's Mommy fail 4 and Mommy pass 6.

Then I leave the door ajar to the car and dash back inside to scoop up the infant and the bag.  He is content once again, but cries when he discovers what he is being strapped into.

Mommy unsupervising toddler fail.  Mommy securing infant- pass.  Mommy fail 5.  and Mommy pass 7.

I get into traffic and manage to weave my way to the university.  I have to turn about at the church so I won't have to make a left in the throng of queued cars.  I get in the right hand side.  I amuse myself while my infant screams.  I remember that his seat is way loose.  Dang lost a Mommy pass.  Then I notice all the young people getting in and out of cars, riding on skate boards.  Most would say eye candy.  I keep thinking.  Enjoy it now.  In another 10 or 15 years, you will be just like me.  Forget bleaching your hair or wearing makeup.  I have on a clean shirt and I'm thankful for it.

Mommy fail 6.  Mommy pass 6.

I park in 20 minute loading zone and get there a minute before Hubby comes downstairs.  I get out and talk to my infant who seems happy to see me.  Hubby gets in and then we head to the polls.  I call it a good day that I came out even.

After voting.  We head to chick-fil-a where HB eats part of my dinner and makes a shamrock craft.  He plays in the play area until Dad declares it's time to leave.  On the way out I exchange numbers with another SAHM.  She's not socially awkward.  She asks for my number.

We get home and I try and keep my infant happy until it's my turn to put the stink in the tub and to bed.  Hubby keeps the infant.  After that I check the mail and call a friend for a lunch date (doesn't answer).  Then I do the dishes (score!) all of them (triple score!).  I make tea (finally another score).  But decide to throw Hubby's lunch together in the morning and slink off for a shower.  Now it's another day (midnight) and I'm wrapped in a towel typing because I feel the urge to purge.

I decide to not read the other people's blogs and call it a day.

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