Thursday, September 27, 2012

Finally....or will the trolls please stand up

I finally received an e-mail from Mr. Kay:
Yes I've been aware you've written several blog posts about myself and MMSL and that they've been quite negative. I'm okay with that though as I don't expect everyone to agree with me.
Yes I've noticed your "care to comment?" on one of my recent posts.
Here's why I haven't commented.
Your husband obviously reads MMSL and continues to read MMSL and that obviously pisses you off. However, MMSL is primarily aimed at men trying to fix an unhappy and/or sexless/bad sex marriage. So if I write any kind of public response to you on MMSL, several thousand readers are just going to assume you guys have a terrible sex life, that your husband is deeply unhappy about and that's why he reads MMSL. Thus explaining why you hate me because I'm creating conflict about that in your marriage.
Whether you and your husband have an bad or amazing sex life, simply won't matter. You'll be trolled like crazy.
And please believe me when I say that when the Internet turns it's eye on the inner workings of your marriage, it's utterly brutal. If I had known how being honest about my own personal shortcomings was going to get brought up every other month forever, I probably would never have started writing MMSL. It's been worth it for the hundreds of marriages we've saved, but it's been simply horrible at times.
So we certainly don't have to agree on everything, but we can be kind.

My response:

Dear Mr. Kay,
I appreciate your concerns about people trolling my blog.  The internet is the internet.  I don't take it real personal because it's not something public.  In other words, I don't know these people so I don't really care what they say.  People hide behind the internet often and say nasty and mean things because they simply can. I realize they do and that it's going to happen.  I don't worry about it.

My husband reads MMSL for his own reasons.  He also has read in the past a number of other manosphere blogs.  I read a lot of mommy blogs.  You can read into his motivations what you want.  You can read into my motivations for what I read.  Others can make their own assumptions too, but unless they hear it from the source, then it's only assumptions.  I actually have no idea why my husband reads your blog.  I do know that a friend of his going through a divorce recommended your book and he read it.  He discarded the information he termed as "useless" and then stumbled on your blog.  Why he continues to read it, I have no idea.  He doesn't agree with everything you say.  As I'm sure many of your readers also don't agree with everything you say either.

I actually don't hate you.  And I'm sorry if you read that into any post.  I don't know you personally.  I do however hate your ideas.  I think they are very general and at times can be dangerous.  Advocating that people put spy ware on their spouses' computer just gives already abusive men/women more of a reason to abuse.  And it breeds mistrust.  It's a slippery slope.  You also seem to have a strong dislike for stay at home moms.   I'm sure that your fully aware that I am one.  I get the impression that you think that women who don't work outside the home are less than women who do.  You seem to be worried that our only interest is to be lazy and take our husbands to the cleaners during a divorce.  I'm not saying this doesn't happen.  I've actually seen this happen.  But it's completely unfair and paints a very negative picture to those of us who have other motives for not working.  I stay at home because I used to work in daycare.  If it can be avoided, I would rather my children be at home with me.  I could give more details as to why, but that's irrelevant.

My husband tries to convince me that you are speaking for the general.  I keep trying to explain to him that the world doesn't live in a vacuum.  People bring the baggage of their lives to their marriages.  It's not so simple.  It's really complex and every marriage has it's own idiosyncrasies.  I advocate that people with marriage problems actively seek professional marriage counseling instead of reading marriage self-help books.  My concern is that your background is not in counseling.  I've never heard a counselor talk the way that you do, which I am sure is helpful to others, but my concern is for those it ends up doing more damage to.

You are more than welcome to comment.  I welcome the trolls.  My intentions were for you to defend your ideas, not to dissect your love life (which as I've said before I really don't care to read about).  If you really feel that what you are doing/saying is for the good of marriages, then please, for love of St. Pete, defend yourself.  Have an open dialogue.  I am no expert.  I don't pretend to be.  Far from it.  I would never write a book on marriage.  But explain to me why you think it's a good idea to have to take your spouse with you every time you must travel.  Show me the statistics.  Give me the proof.  That's all I am asking for.

 I should add that I feel righteous anger is perfectly fine.  When it comes to defending marriages, one needs to get a little hostile when one sees things as being completely off kilter.  I may make me seem unkind or even hateful.  I am not intending to be hateful.  What I see is a lot of people reading Mr. Kay's blog and buying his book and the ideas doing more damage then good.  I have experienced this first hand when my husband randomly one day asked me to have paternity testing done on any other children.  He's dropped the subject explaining that he thought that being open was a good thing, but realizing that there are emotional implications he wasn't bargaining for.

Mr. Kay talks to real people in real marriages.  If he can't back up what he says, then he shouldn't even be saying it.

If you, dear readers, would like to ask him where he comes up with his ideas (based on actual data not the anecdotal kind), then please leave a comment.

Also I welcome trolls, but I have a strict policy on behavior.  Your comment may never see the light of day.

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