Sunday, September 30, 2012

The problem with paternity testing

Mr. Kay has essentially said that there is something terribly wrong with my marriage because I got real angry that my husband suggested paternity testing.  But all that aside lets be logical about why paternity testing within the confines of every marriage is a bad idea.

Paternity testing takes two forms:  1) is in utero 2) happens after the baby is born.

The first is invasive.  It's expensive.  It's generally not recommended.

The second you have to wait roughly nine months.  And during those nine months, your marriage will begin to erode. 

Your husband has already questioned whether the child is his or if he hasn't and you both agreed to this, he will have questions in his mind.  Otherwise why, if he was perfectly sure that the child was his, would he want a paternity test in the first place.

Meanwhile the pregnant mother has to spend the next nine months dealing with all the changes to her physically and mentally that comes with carrying a baby.  On top of that she has to deal with a level of mistrust with her husband.

Then she has to wait for lab results while post postpartum.  The vast majority of women experience during this time what's called the baby blues.  For a percentage of women something minor, like waiting on a paternity test, can throw them in to a deep depression.  Their husband doesn't trust them.  There must be something they are not doing right.  Maybe they should kill themselves.  And now they have full blown postpartum depression.  This isn't funny.

That's why paternity testing in the confines of every marriage, including otherwise happy ones, is wrong.  It's also the reason why the vast majority of women have agreed that this is a bad idea.  It's also the reason why my husband's mother called him and asked my husband to explain himself because as she put it, if her husband said something like that to her, she would be angry too.

Paternity testing just breeds mistrust that can go terribly terribly wrong in what I feel are normal circumstances.  

But Mr. Kay is a man.  He's never given birth.  He's never had postpartum depression.  I have.  So I don't imagine that he would understand that.


  1. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what husband in his right mind would think that asking for a paternity test is a good idea. It's an accusation of adultery.

  2. He also doesn't seem like the sort of man who would care enough about his wife's feelings to attempt any measure of empathy for a state of life he has never experienced and never will. He's too wrapped up in his own ego. Just my observations.


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