Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Why Third Part Interference is Bad: Part Two

The jokes on me.  After I got involved myself, the shoe switched feet.

When Hubby and I were engaged, we got into some nasty fights shortly before the wedding.  Naturally I felt apprehensive about getting married in the first place, and being that I can't not tell anyone anything I told him so.  Instead of keeping it solely between ourselves, my husband went and told his best friend, who is female.

Women must have a thing for interfering because not too long after I was at her house and she basically confronted me.  She told me it was just jitters.  She told me that Hubby was good guy and even her sister came and talked to me.

Well that did it.  It wasn't jealousy.  It was feeling like something that was private was now being made public and worse she felt like she needed to mediate.  I didn't know her apart from Hubby and I felt like bias was at work.

I told him off.  And basically he agreed not to go shooting his mouth off because his friend wasn't keeping his confidences.  We agreed.  And let it go.  Although for a long time I stopped speaking to her.  He never asked her to talk to me.  I felt she had overstepped her boundaries as friend and confidant by talking to me.  I was too angry and felt it best to say nothing at all.

But then Mr. Kay has come into my life.  It all started one fateful day when a friend of mine was going through a divorce came across his book.  He loved it so much that he gave Hubby a copy to read.  Hubby read it and would periodically shake his head and tell me that parts of it were way too far fetched.  So I gave him the same advice I would anyone reading an opinion book: take the good and keep it; throw the rest of the junk away.  Hubby ended up writing the friend back an e-mail pointing out that some parts of the book were over the top.

Hubby found that he had a website and for whatever reason, he started reading it.  He also would ask Mr. Kay questions, advice on how to approach me about sensitive subjects.  Odd because Mr. Kay is a man so I don't think he's necessarily able to understand the underpinnings of the female mind.  But I was aware of it and let it go.  I figured it was harmless.  An e-mail exchange between two strangers, wading through marriage like we all do.

I never read any of Mr. Kay's advice, book, or otherwise.  And it never affected me in the slightest.  Until...until the day my husband sat down at the dinner table and asked me if I was willing to do paternity tests on any future children.  And you know most of that story.

Needless to say I asked him where in the hell did he dig up that crazy idea and after mulling it over for a month I wrote the post Why MMSL Sucks.  I didn't want to at first but then I thought if this was happening to me who else was this happening to.  And geez he's getting money to sell this book to people like my friend who actually believe in his ideas?  Oh, dear Lord in Heaven!  Is the devil at work here?  Because it seems real clear to me that these ideas, however noble in Mr. Kay's mind, serve to undermine the most basic cohesive unit of society, the family.  The family is what the devil wants to destroy.  And it seemed real obvious to me that Mr. Kay was under his illusions.  So I wrote the post and asked him to comment.  But he didn't so I just went on as before.  Until I wrote another post and asked him to comment again.  I was logical about it.  I asked him to show me data, to tell me where he arrived at these hair-brained ideas.

Instead I got this and other such wording sent to my husband and me:
There are two issues here.
(1)  When a wife blows up at her husband, *beyond all reason,* about
paternity testing, something is seriously not right within the relationship.

Mr. Kay gives out a lot of advice.  It's directly mostly at men because he's male.  But he's never heard my side of the story, my logic train, and instead he's decided in his "expert" opinion that there's something "seriously not right."

Marital interference.  Relationship interference.  Is. Not. A. Good. Thing.  It's especially bad when it's 1) one sided, 2) not asked for, and 3) not held by a professional counselor where both parties are present faced to face and not through e-mail. 

I know that counselors usually want both parties to be present in order to lay everything out on the table.  But if one party resists going to counseling some will agree to work with one party under the premise that things will be shared and with the hope that the other party will eventually come along.  I've even had a therapist say that for ethical reasons she would not have individual counseling with one person and then marital counseling with the other for no other reason than it creates bias (on her part or perceived). 

I should tell you that Mr. Kay has said this:
As I have explained to Hubby several times now, I don't intend to break his confidence about what he's told me. That's something you need to talk about
together.
He's decided to be a marital counselor even though he's not trained, but he's not following professional protocol. Instead he is acting like a friend would, keeping confidences. 

I actually don't want Mr. Kay to divulge anything.  I want him to stay completely out.  But I thought that I would tell you this if you go seeking his advice for anything.  He's biased.  He's not working to help marriages by acting as a neutral party.  He's not indicating that he would like to work with both parties.  Instead he's sowing division.

I suppose the moral of this story is...avoid giving relationship advice.  It will either make you look foolish or bite you in the butt.  My sympathies to Mr. Kay.  I hope his free advice through e-mail stops soon.  Maybe he's learned his lesson too.

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